is CoStar listening to me?

in july i am drawn to the mystical, the occult

bloodied teeth and panties
sweet morning air
i bite the skin off my lips and
the bark off of trees
welcome the sound of mosquitoes
beating against the impossible screen door

water mirages swirl on the pavement
i keep my hands on the wheel
and my eyes on the
—long—white—lines—
how do i feel human again?
what is the truth?

i don’t know what’s right anymore
my hormones are lying to me
july is the month i start checking my horoscope again
this is my private joke –– that i need some algorithm in my phone to tell me what to do with my life, tell me the answers, tell me something i don’t already know

“The answers will come when you’re ready to handle them.
Do: Reach out, Authenticity, Label maker
Don’t: Math, Electric stove, Jigsaw puzzles”

— is CoStar listening to me? and what the hell does “Do: label maker” mean?

last week i drew a tarot card from a dispenser at an overpriced coffee shop.
the Three of Wands “hints that you are planning or going to plan for the future with more conviction.”
it seems like all i do anymore is plan.

i have this secret conviction that everything is, in fact, not going to work out for me. and that i am only delaying the inevitable failure which will consume my life and stink up every room i force my way into. my ambition is equally unbridled and unfounded; every rejection a splinter in my fingertips as i claw randomly, cravenly, at towering trees i am not meant to climb.

summer is almost over and the heat makes me raw –– and self-absorbed.
am i a self-fulfilling tragedy or just a selfish speck in an indifferent universe?

the sun rises anyways
knee bruises fade into mulberry juice stains
fingernails grow back
it feels like every summer is the last summer

if i had 12 hours left on Earth
i would sit and watch the tide,
listen to my mother,
and eat a peach.

maybe write it all down.

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this piece is inspired by some of my favorite pieces of music, currently and forever:

thanks for reading.

yours, k